Today is better than yesterday was. Of course, that's a relative term when the subject at hand is a lost pregnancy.
Physically I feel more or less okay. Emotionally/psychologically I am all over the place. One minute I am fine, the next minute I am a sobbing, weepy mess. I go back and forth between being angry at no one in particular (honestly, who is there to be mad at?), and sad (damn it, I miss this baby!), and relieved that Mother Nature is doing her job (losses this early on are usually related to some major chromosomal defect that's not compatible with life).
Several of my friends and family have lost pregnancies too. I am not glad that they've had losses, but glad that they have been wonderful. In letting me know I'm not crazy for crying over the slightest thing. For wanting to give this baby a name. For not wanting to really interact that intensely with many people. For being glad (maybe TMI) to actually see the membranes/sac when they passed, the only tangible connection to the baby that I carried. I am not expecting to be 'over it' any time soon, and am not even sure about work this weekend yet, that will have to be played by ear. I'm expecting to take a few steps forward and a step back here and there.
Things I am grateful for:
- My husband made vegetable beef soup for supper yesterday evening. Hispanic culture is such that it encourages women to eat soup postpartum. Hubs isn't a big talker, but I think this was his way of acknowledging, and maybe even mourning?
- Aforementioned women among my friends and family who have closed ranks around me.
- My son, who is a constant reminder that life goes on, that people need me, and that there is still beauty to be found.
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