Small blessings

Losing a baby sucks, there is no way around that. It blows. But, I am learning - slowly - that some good has already come of it, and there is probably some more that has yet to occur.

• The body of Christ - I have been literally held up and held together by prayers, messages, and phone calls from my brothers and sisters. I done a lot of questioning God, and a lot of short prayers ("God, please take care of my Katie." "God, please help my husband"...that kind of thing) but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my family in Jesus is talking to God on my behalf, and that has made a huge impact.*
• I now know what my patients feel like - I work with many women who are currently experiencing or have in the past experienced a fetal loss. I like to think I did a decent job before of at least trying to put myself in their place...but now I don't have to try. I know what it is like. I know exactly what that pain is, I have felt that dagger pierce my soul.
• I realize the value of my healthy kid - It's so easy to take what one already has for granted. For me, that was my healthy kid. He was born healthy and has never looked back, and I guess I just assumed that everything that grew in my womb would be that way. Now, I realize just how precious, what a miracle it is, that DNA arranges itself so well so often.
• I'm glad Mother Nature works - Now, don't get me wrong. I would not wish this agony on my worst enemy, and I'm not in any way diminishing the pain of losing my Katie. But most first-trimester losses (OB nurse brain kicking in here) occur when there is some chromosomal or other type of defect that is incompatible with life. Bodies recognize this and do their best to end the pregnancy early; it's everyone's way of trying to keep the human race healthy. This may sound odd, but I'm glad that even though I feel like my body failed me in a way - failing to keep the pregnancy - that in another way, it knew exactly what it was doing. I hope this doesn't sound too crass. It's not meant to be.
• I've already done what I thought I could never do - bury a child. Granted, I didn't have this child at term, raise her like I've raised my son, and then have to bury her. I don't even want to go there. But this baby was no less mine, and she is in the ground. And I did it.

* - I should add here: I have several friends/family who don't believe in a God at all or who don't practice any faith. They have been the face of Jesus to me as much as anyone else. And they know it too.

This has been without a doubt the absolute hardest thing I've ever faced, the biggest trial of my faith, the biggest test of me as a person. God has been so good, in surrounding me with people who care. The presence of people who care, just knowing that people care, gets this family through each day.